Them Roads

DA: All of them roads are gittin’ worked on again.

Me: Yep.

DA: Why they taking out them sidewalks? They said they was just widening the road.

Me: Because the sidewalks take up the space they need to use to widen the road.

DA. I don’t think they need to mess them sidewalks up. They should git space somewhere else.

Me: Like from magic again?

DA: Yeah!!

I fixed it.

DA: (On the phone to a customer)  That server aint the most secure, so we’re gonna move you over to our new server. It works real good.

Me: Hey! We can’t move him. We’ve talked about how that block of accounts can’t be moved, do you remember?

DA: (To Me) Oh dang, I told him we were moving him.

Me: I know, I heard you tell him that, but we can’t.

DA (To customer) Well, I guess we aint gonna move you. It won’t work, so that server you’re on is secure. It’ll work good now. Goodbye!

DA (To Me) Dang. Well I fixed it.

Lights?! In a finished basement?!

DA was “repairing” a laptop and dropped a screw down an electrical hole into the basement.

DA: Dang it’s dark down there.

Me: It’s a basement. The lights are not on right now.

DA: Well how am I gonna see anything? How am I gonna find that screw!?

Me: Maybe you could turn the light on.

DA: It got lights?!

Them Doors

Me: The graphic for the passenger side of the van needs to be half the size of the one for the other side because it has the cargo doors on it.

DA: You mean the back doors?

Me:  No the side doors.

DA: you mean the driver and passenger doors?

Me: No, I mean the side doors. Look outside, you can see it from here.

DA: Them doors to the seats?

Me: NO! The cargo doors. To the cargo area. On the passenger side of the van. Look! It’s parked right there.

DA: Oh. Them doors. I didn’t know them doors was on there.  

Me: Just make me a graphic that’s half this size please.

DA: Where’s it gonna go?

Tea People

Things have been pretty quiet around here lately, so I thought I’d see if I could instigate a little bit of dumbassery.

Me: I don’t think your anti-recycling program is working. It was three degrees below zero when I left the house this morning.

DA: Huh…Oh yeah! It sure aint! We need more cans! More cans to throw away! Stop giving them to all them bums! Them bums are recycling them cans and making it cold!!

I even saw a thing on TV with them tea people, and they thought so too!!

Me: You mean the Tea Party? Do you like them?

DA: I like them signs they always have. They’re smart.

Me: Smart?

DA: Yeah! And Funny!

The dog one.

Me: Looks like there’s a code error on the web server, What was the last website you made any changes to?

DA: You talking to me?

Me: Yeah, you’re the only person here.

DA: Hmmm…Probably that dog one.

Me: Dog one? What do you mean? What was the URL?

DA It was just that dog one.

Me: I need the URL, can you pull the paperwork for me please?

DA: I can, but it was the dog one.

Me: Nevermind. I’ll look it up. (I find her paperwork) Ok, this says the last site you changed was a-1alarm.

DA: See? That’s the dog one.

Me:  It’s an alarm company. Or a steak sauce even, but what does it have to do with dogs?

DA: A-1. Dogs.

Me: Oh for fuck’s sake, are you thinking of K-9?

DA: Nope. A-1. Dogs.

Me: Whatever.

Liquid Soup

DA: Dang, I just ordered this soup and it’s all liquid! I want my money back! I’m calling them!

Me: Ummm…It’s soup? I think it’s supposed to be liquid?

DA: No it aint! I’m calling them people! They aint getting away with giving me liquid soup! It’s beans and liquid! It’s supposed to be bean SOUP!